Perfect Dark Scribes Excerpts (1999)

The following excerpts detailing the development of Perfect Dark was originally published on Rare’s Scribes letter page in 1999. We’ve scoured each edition for that year in order to provide you with every mention of the title to be found in Rare’s posted answers in chronological order below.
We’ve also included a link above each heading which will re-direct to the original letters page that the question was featured in should you wish to view it in the original context – otherwise you’ll find that the entries below only focus on answers related to Perfect Dark for a comprehensive listing for any fan wanting further information on pre-release content, hidden easter eggs, abandoned features and development secrets:

March 1^st 1999:

Dear Scribes,
For one reason or another I stumbled on to your site the other day and was shocked out of my, uh, knickers. I don’t know much English slang (besides arse of course) so don’t mind my rather pathetic attempts at using it. I notice that you, um, blokes, are about as good with American slang as I am with the English, er, lot. C’mon, “tubular”? I thought only surfers used that one. And what the heck is “bodacious”? I have lived in America my whole life and I have never, ever, used that one.
Anyway, I wanted to respond to a letter you posted from one Benjemino. Despite Benji’s REALLY poor “Americanisms” I think he has a point. I purchased Turok 2 and it was fun, but not nearly as entertaining as Goldeneye 007. You see, I liked Goldeneye more and I am an American, as are my friends who also prefered 007.
So, I mentioned Goldeneye. That must mean this letter will take another predictable twist…to Perfect Dark. I heard some weak rumors that PD wouldn’t support a co-op mode, is that true? If those rumors are false then who, may I ask, is Ms. Dark’s sidekick? Another rumor I heard had Dark as somewhat of a Lara Croft character. Say it ain’t so. I like good looking women of course, but Croft seemed cheap.
One more thing, one of your Snippets had someone asking for a copy of TND. Oh, darn. I was going to write a couple of paragraphs to inform him you didn’t make the game but I just noticed you wrote “…?”. How do you come up with these awesome explanations. If it weren’t for Peer’s box art articles on IGN64, you would win the Pulitzer without a doubt.
Packerac@aol.com

You’re too kind. I do make a conscious effort to restrain my responses and let the Snippet authors wallow in their unholy limelight, because nothing I could ever say would be as funny/ depressing/incriminating as some of the comments these people send in.
It’s alright, I was being ironic with ‘tubular’ and ‘bodacious’ – think yourself lucky I didn’t chuck ‘cowabunga’ in there as well…
PD’s designer says: “I have no comment to make on co-operative mode, nor on whether or not she has a sidekick, and who he, she, it or they may be. Joanna’s breasts are of course gigantic and she goes around the whole time in a thong, which changes colour every level.”

Dear Scribes,
Basically this is about Zelda. OK, I’ve bought it and it’s amazing, but the thing is – will anyone in the world ever be able to make a game to match it apart from Nintendo? I loved Goldeneye, and for its time I would even say it’s as good as Zelda, but if you think about it this way, even you guys who are relatively ‘new’ wouldn’t be able to make a game like Zelda, simply because Nintendo have made very very successful Zelda games in the past and could use this legendary character in this legendary new game. A bit like a modern version of Mario. Well, my point is, that Rareware have no old time, legendary mascot. OK, so you’ve got Donkey Kong, Banjo-Kazooie and soon Jo Dark, but none of these characters will ever be as legendary as Mario or Link. Don’t get me wrong I love your games and I think Rareware is amazing, but answer this; how can anyone (even Rareware) compete with Nintendo’s games that not only are innovative and have amazingly clever and original puzzles, but contain super-star videogame characters which have attained their crowns by being around since the dawn of home video-gaming? Huh? Huh?
Thanks for answering my question.
Martin Badowsky

Zelda wouldn’t exactly lose every last shred of its charm if Link, Zelda and co. were replaced with new characters, would it? It’s the standard of the game that counts. Obviously a recognised mascot or brand can help, but it’s not the final word in a game’s success: all characters have to start somewhere. Just look at the hype building up around Perfect Dark, and not a single character in that game has ever been seen before.
It’s impossible to judge how successful and well-remembered Rare’s characters will become in time. It only takes a visit to the Forums to get some idea of the impression left by Sabreman and Jetman, and they only appeared in a handful of games played by a tiny percentage of today’s gaming population. It’s all about quality. Who’d buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?

Dear Scribes,
Perfect Ark anyone?
The year: 2023 BC. Noah, a doddery, bearded old man sets out in a storm aboard a large boat – codename ‘Perfect Ark’. He is sucked ever deeper into the conspiracy that the world is flooding and that he must save two (no more) of every type of animal on the Earth. With a trail of guano leading him from ant to zebra, from honey bear to squirrel, Noah’s mission slowly unfolds to reveal a conspiracy that God is just having a joke.
So, do you reckon it’ll be a good basis for a game?
…hmm… thought not.. how about Perfect Lark about a gun-toting bird that gets up early in the morning to kill people?
Ant in Bath

You shouldn’t get me started on this sort of thing. What about: Perfect Bark, a thrilling edutainment title based around the natural defences of the Douglas fir? Or Perfect Quark, an intense physics sim where you have to waggle your joystick to split the atom into smaller and smaller subdivisions? Or Pervert Dark, where… no, that’s enough.

March 30^th 1999:

Dear Scribes,
Perfect Dark will have a cart size of______Megs. It will be released on the___________1999 and will contain roughly________weapons. The number of missions will be_______ and the game is currently_____% complete.
Now the only thing that you guys have to do is fill in the blanks, I’m sure that won’t cause too much trouble.
The Woman from Unkle

Perfect Dark will have a cart size of assorted Megs. It will be released on the B-side of 1999 and will contain roughly chafing weapons. The number of missions will be approximate and the game is currently over 3% complete.
You’re right. That was no trouble at all.

Dear Scribes,
Please don’t give into to all those immature people who want you to put loads of blood in Perfect Dark. Computer blood always looks so ridiculous.
Take Turok 2 for example – You’re making your way through some realistic-looking locations, with atmospheric sound effects in the background. You hear a sound and then a dinosaur pops out right in front of you. So far so good.
Then you shoot your gun. The first two shots seem to have no effect at all and then the third somehow manages to slice off the dinosaur’s head as if it was a butcher’s knife. Hmm. Then the ‘blood’ appears, except it looks like tomato sauce that has been pumped through a half-blocked hosepipe. Hmm. Then the dinosaur goes into an over the top stagger before he finally dies minutes later. The whole thing lasts as long as a Shakespeare death and is just as ridiculous.
However, Goldeneye‘s deaths, while still quite cartoony, weren’t so unrealistic that they ruined the atmosphere and at times the way the people collapsed from head shots was quite disturbing.
If you must add more blood for Perfect Dark, just make the patches on the clothes darker or only have little splats where the bullet hits. Please don’t go down the severed limbs path, however much you’re forced.
Thank you for listening.
Iwan Lamble
PS. I looked for another good joke of yours to steal, but I couldn’t find one.

It’s not so much the individual death scenes that make Shakespeare’s tragedies so marvellously histrionic as the sheer number of people who keel over within the space of the last few pages. Always gives me a chuckle.
According to PD’s designer: “There will be no violence at all. Instead, you will go around the levels giving gifts to children. Make sure you don’t leave anyone out…” Oh no! It looks as if those people who complain about being forced to play as a female character were right after all, etc.
PS. I have the same problem myself.

Dear Scribes,
Hey I was just wondering, when you guys play a GoldenEye deathmatch game, do you guys do that extra character code and then choose your own characters to play with? Who the hell is B??? He’s that ugly bstard with the buck teeth isn’t he?!? He’s the guy I enjoy shooting in the face so much!! Bwahahahahahaha!!! That kicks ass!!! I mean arse. Oh yeah, and does Perfect Dark really have a co-op mode?
GDoink Hippo

“Sometimes we picked our own characters, yes. And sometimes we didn’t. That’s the trouble with having an active imagination.”
So says El PD Squad. B is female and probably wants to hurt you right about now. And if you hang around for a few more letters, you’ll see the ‘conclusive’ ‘answer’ to the PD co-op question…

Dear Scribes,
“Who’d buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?”
Is that a typo or some British thing? I didn’t get that at all.
Anyway, I was travelling through time (either that or passed out drunk, I don’t really care) and about a year or so into the future I saw a a game on the shelves titled, verbatim, Joanna Dark and Her Crazy Alien Friends. Whew. I wasn’t crazy about the title Perfect Dark but the new title is crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. What are you thinking?! Get a hold of yourselves. That isn’t going to sell. People will go to the stores with the express purpose of not buying your game. I’ll say to my friend Bob “Hey Bob, you going to the store?”
“Yeah” he’ll say.
“What are you going to do there?”
“I am going to not buy JDHCAF.”
“Ah,” I’ll say. “Could you pick up some Jell-O?”
“No problem.” He’ll say.
Bob’s a good friend like that.
Oh yeah, in the future, toilets don’t have to flush, but they still make a “flush” sound when you press the handle.
M0nstrZer0@aol.com

That’s nice. I’ll look forward to it. You may have more success in understanding the Mario question if you read the word ‘pants’ in its adjective form, i.e. ‘slightly poor’. And the game you saw on the shelves must have been the launch title of our up-and-coming edutainment range, featuring prominent Rare characters caught up in wacky situations that can only be resolved through the use of accurate grammar and long division. Hours of fun!

Dear Scribes,
So just to educate you on some of the greatest American slang there is, allow me to introduce you to the word “awesome”. No no, this is not the regular old “awesome” you are used to (e.g. “The sight of the mothership was truly awesome”) as in awe-inspiring or impressive. The way we use awesome over here is like we just have no idea what awe is. Either this word has totally lost its meaning in North America, or American people are moved to “profound and humbly fearful reverence” (thanks Webster) rather easily. For example, consider the following simulated interactions, keeping in mind the literal meaning of the word awesome.
“How do you like my haircut?” “Awesome.”
“I got a B on that test.” “Awesome.”
“Baywatch is on.” “Awesome.”
Okay, so maybe that last one isn’t that big a stretch.
Apunga

The slightly-too-common use of the word ‘awesome’ throughout the US isn’t lost on us. Especially not when Ken Lobb’s around. And I’m sure it speaks volumes about our comparative natures when the Americans stick with ‘cool’ and ‘awesome’ while we Brits generally prefer ‘crap’, ‘pants’ and ‘arse’. Miserable? Cynical? Pessimistic? Don’t ever doubt it.

Dear Scribes,
I am an Australian and l only just stumbled across Scribes the other day, and was to put it frankly, amazed by your infatuation with the word arse. How the hell did you get onto putting the word arse in nearly every letter you reply to? American writers are also weird crapping on about British slang when theirs is ridiculous. No my friends, if you want real slang then you have to come to Australia to get it, such as bloke, fella, mate, faggot (as opposed to the American “fag”), jumbuck, dodgey and fair dinkum. As well as this we have wonderful Australian ambassadors such as The Wiggles and Rolf Harris (who thankfully decided to go and play his wobble board in Britain permanently).
Now onto something a little less serious. My friends and I all loved Goldeneye, especially the multiplayer and all agree that Perfect Dark looks like a bloody good game. I have a few questions on multiplayer in PD though-

Will there be a License to Kill type mode in the game as this rocked in Goldeneye.
How about putting in a mode where you can choose your own weapons at the start of the level, such as an explosive, a pistol and an automatic instead of walking around picking up weapons. This would mean that gamers could choose weapons to suit their style of play.
In two player co-op who is Joanna Dark’s partner?James Baum(and you can tell by the surname that my ancestors were not convicts or animals, so no cruddy jokes).

Not even a cruddy “I feel better than James Baum” joke? Ah well. Here’s the designer to comprehensively answer all your nagging PD queries.
“1. No worries. 2. No worries. 3. Big sigh… I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a co-op mode in Perfect Dark at this juncture. If anyone with this question would like to come to Rare and ask this question in person I’ll be only too happy to beat them unconscious in an unusually brutal way.”
Blimey. I think that’s enough PD questions for one month, eh kids?

Greetings and salutations,
A couple of points in response to other letters.
I noticed that Martin Badowski claimed that no game could ever reach the heights of Zelda. This is a controversial topic since everyone has their own preferences, but there is a concrete advantage that certain games, in particular 007, have over others. That is 4 PLAYER mode. I once owned a Super Nintendo, I had a multitap and games like Bomberman (which was 100 times better than the 64 version) and NBA Jam. I cannot begin to explain the fun I used to have with 3 friends. I actually won 2 Playstations a year or two ago in a competition, but I sold them in order to buy a 64 and four controllers. I did this for one simple reason: 64 has four controller slots built in. Obviously PSX would eventually come out with adaptors etc, but you yourselves can testify to the fact that it is a lot more enticing to develop 4-player games for 64 because people are much more likely to have four controllers. If you have Bond but not four controllers I recommend you go straight out and buy them now. Playing two player is entertaining for a little while, but it wears out. Just like playing against the computer. It’s fun, but after a while, you start to wonder what the point is.
This is why I think, as I saw someone comment somewhere on this site, that there should be a game developed as a multiplayer game, maybe with single player added as an afterthought FOR ONCE. I know what your argument would be- you can’t play by yourself. Well I say- I don’t want to play Mario Kart or Bond by myself anymore anyway, but I still have heaps of fun playing with my friends. Imagine how good you could make a multiplayer game if development was solely focused on the multiplayer aspect. You guys said Bond multiplayer was only added as an afterthought and look how good that turned out! The developers claim it’s hard to come up with original ideas, well here you go. I’m sure you will dismiss this idea, but I’d be interested in reasons why you think this is not feasible.
Secondly, you claim “noone remembers Macgyver”! How could anyone forget him? He would make helicopters from rags and bits of wood. And that penknife! It was used at least 5 times every episode. If there was a nuclear holocaust you’d want that guy around afterwards, he’d have the world back to normal in a couple of days.
Finally, just out of interest, do you write HTML as well as all text in the website, or do you just fill in the blanks?
Thanks for listening to my ideas, I hope you enjoyed the variation from “I know English slang. Arse” etc.
John Fletcher

There’s no doubt that multiplayer options increase the lifespan of just about any type of game, but it’ll be interesting to see just how well those upcoming PC multiplayer-only games do when they’re released. Of course, current console users don’t have the option of online gaming to fall back on if they can’t get any mates round their house, which makes multiplayer-only console games an unlikely prospect from the very start. Also, just because deathmatch wasn’t originally the main focus of GoldenEye doesn’t mean that the team put less effort into it, just as they’re working hard to cram as much as possible into PD’s version: having a prominent single-player mode isn’t an excuse for chucking in any old manky multiplayer options.
I’m afraid the wonky HTML is my fault as well as the crap text. Sorry. But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started.

April 29^th 1999:

Dear Scribes,
Hey I was just on IGN64 and there was a question about whether PD‘s “real time raytracing” really is. They stated that it would be almost impossible on the N64 hardware and suggested it is merely “realtime rayCASTING”. I wanted to know what you had to say about it. And PLEASE update your site more often!!! We need a few more crumbs to drool over while we wait for PD, JFG, DK64, and the mystery games. Scruptious!
Christopher Barreto

“Scruptious”? Fair enough. Here’s the designer with a conclusive response to this mystery:
“Due to the high processor demands of real-time ray-tracing we have had to abandon the procedure in favour of the less processor-intensive ‘false-time ray-doodling’. Unfortunately this means we will also have to abandon our RT2 logo. Bummer, eh?”

Dear Rare,
Have you guys considered implementing some kind of create-a-player-mode in PD? I’ll fly over from Norway and be your slave if you do. Also, it would be incredibly cool if you put Banjo or Conker somewhere in there as secret characters or something. Then I could blow them all to hell with limpet mines or rocket launchers. I don’t think I’d ever leave my TV room again if you guys inserted these two things into PD. I wouldn’t even mind waiting another year for the game if the time was used to implement these features… Rare, I salute you…
Rudi Aase

You have possibly the greatest name of all time. And to reward you for the hours of amusement it’s given me, I’m going to nag the designer to come up with a response.
“We’re sorry, but we already have all the Norwegian slaves we have room for. You’ll have to come up with something else we don’t have. How about a giant tapestry?”
Yeah, that’d be good, a massive self-portrait so that we can have… an enormous Aase… hanging up in Reception (wipes tears of mirth from eyes).

June 4^th 1999:

Dear Brigadier Loveday OBE BSoc. Twt.
I was delighted, d’you hear me? DELIGHTED! Overrun with glee. Fraught with pleasurable tinglings at what the new Perfect Dark / Gameboy camera interface could mean to the multiplayer games at our house.
I see a small, nervous fox terrier named ‘Doobie’ held end-up and snapped. I see the resultant picture wrapped around a face model in PD. I see one regular 4 player game of PD being quickly fought and the loser forced to play the loathsome character of DogRing the Evil Cyclops in the next match. Such fun!
Were we a different household, the winner could be named DogsKnackers in a similar spirit, as a reward for cunning. But it is punishment, not reward that turns a young man from the path of vice. Mother never spared the birch, so why should I?
I was also considering a character whose head was a picture from a Swedish, um, efficiency magazine, but I doubt the GBC has the resolution. Thank you again.
Oh, and sorry I couldn’t offer greetings on the day, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAREWHERE! I love yez! You’re the site on the net that makes me giggle most. The twonks at ign64 think they’re funny, but… whoops there I go again. Keep up everything you’re doing at Rare. mwaah
Love
Kat

Bless. We aim to please. And IGN64, well, you know, they try hard, but they still haven’t got to grips with the whole arse thing, let alone started on knackers.
It’s just the sort of whimsical multiplayer malarkey you describe that the GBC idea was intended for, though perhaps with not quite so sharp a focus on animals’ backsides and porn. We can only hope that the latest tiresome media frenzy doesn’t blow it all out of the water…
By the way, your new friend’s still waiting for a hug down in Snippets.

Dear Scribes,
Wow. Some guy wanted to insult that FLEAB fellow just like I did. And then FLEAB apologized (with pretty good spelling to boot) for his actions! All will now remember the name Packerac, crap I forgot I changed my name.
Anyway, the point of writing this letter (besides notifying the two or three people out there who actually care that I have changed my screen name) is to discuss Ms. Dark. Yes, I know. Time and time again (actually only twice, I think) you denied me information regarding Perfect Dark. I have to ask you a question or two (fine, just one). Oh, don’t bother to answer, I wouldn’t expect that from my favorite Brit. Ahem, is Perfect Dark going to be a franchise or just one game?
Oh, one more thing Mr. Kinda-Down-On-The-Word-“Arse”-Right-Now-So-How-About-“Knackers”-Man. Have you fellows considered doing an Austin Powers game?
VillainMan (moving from Packerac state of mind)

The designer says: “Let’s see how the first game does before announcing a franchise, hmmm?”
Austin Powers? Nahhh. I mean, who’d want to bother spending hours on end motion-capturing and modelling Liz Hurley, or Heather Graham, or… or… Good Lord.

Dear Scribamanationisms,
The following has come to my attention:
A title character in the upcoming Perfect Dark, is Joanna Dark. Right? Well, let’s put on our history thinking caps for a moment… they DO have schools in Twycross, right? Well, if they do, then you’d be, perhaps, familiar with a certain ‘Joan of Ark’. You know… the one who did many good deeds for the French, and was burned at the stake by the English… Anyway, her name IN FRENCH is pronounced, and presumeably spelled like so: Joanna D’Ark. Now, is this a bizarre coincidence, an example of Rare’s creativity, or lack thereof? You tell me…
BILL (of Blab Magazine)

Not me, guv. Here’s the PD designer:
“Joan of Arc is spelt ‘Jeanne d’Arc’ in France. So you’re wrong on that point. As for the origins of Joanna’s name, well…
“Twycross has schools, yes. And a pub, a tractor rental place, a church, a cricket pitch, a Zoo and a shop that sells bits of animals. The last two are unconnected.”
He’s forgetting the ‘village green’ – a triangle of grass big enough for at least five people to stand on at the same time. Oh, and the posh school. Marvellous.

Dear Scribey,
I have a confession to make. I love my N64, but have yet to buy a single Rare game. I will soon make amends for this despicable behaviour and get Goldeneye and maybe Blast Corps. I would certainly have bought Killer Instinct if you’d put a bit more effort into it.
This brings me nicely to my question:
Why is Rare so gay? Your characters are all cutesy animals with sweet little names like Banjo and Luftus. (Eh? – Ed)
Leaving aside Goldeneye (your most successful game) and Perfect Dark (your most highly anticipated game) everything else has the kind of twee-factor that can only possibly irritate any player of 14+.
I hope I can make a polite suggestion without causing you any offence, but please stop all this arsing around with nauseatingly cute 3D platformers. I am looking forward to playing DK64, but why didn’t you try to give us the fighting game we want, or the RPG we’ve been crying out for. Instead of making 3 of the 4 games up for a ’99 release so whimsical.
Yours sincerely
Cynical old b&%$d
P.S. I hope you will put this letter in your Scribes section with your usual top wit and charm. Alternatively you could take a print off, roll it up into a tight ball and shove it up your…

So apart from GoldenEye, Perfect Dark and Blast Corps, which aren’t gay and which you liked, and Killer Instinct, which isn’t gay but which you didn’t like, and of course DK64, which is gay but which you still like, all our games are gay and you don’t like them. Am I right? If so, that’s a hell of an argument you’ve got there, son.

June 23^rd 1999:

Dear Scribes Special Forces (a.k.a Scribesweeper Elite),
I just have 3 questions about Perfect Dark, which I’m sure you are sick of hearing about and wish that a well placed Proximity Mine would end the horror, but in spite of that, here they are:

Will the enemies be special and shove their hands, arms, legs, feet, heads, and other extremities through doors, windows, walls, and toilet stalls (perverts)?
Will there be a basic enemy like the Russian Infantry Soldier in Goldeneye?
What will be the default weapon for the main character (like the PP7) and the default weapon for the basic enemy (like the KF7 Soviet) be?
Thank you for your patience and for using Timed Mines instead.
Spetznazly,
Yoster64
PD-S: Will there be any cameos from Goldeneye in PD? (The elephant man soldier perhaps?)
PP7-S: Can you make it Gameshark proof? It ticks me off to see 23 unearned cheats.
RCP-S: Sorry for all the PSeses.

Ah, here comes PD’s designer. Yoo-hoo! Come and see this great mail message! (Runs away quickly.)
“1. No, or so we hope.
“2. Enemies? Oh damn, I knew there was something I’d forgotten. Looks like Jo’s going to be fighting furniture.
“3. Jo has a pistol. The furniture items have drawers and/or cushions.
“PS1. You may well spot a few people you recognise.
“PS2. Don’t use a Gameshark, then.
“PS3. So you should be, you degenerate.”

Dear Mr. Scribes (or Scribesman…),
At first, greetings from Germany to all you guys at Rare!!! After the big E3, there are now very many screenshots from all my favorite (Rare-) games. Now, I’ve only two (or more) stupid questions for you:

As I read an article about the E3 and Perfect Dark, I couldn’t believe what you freaks are planning to do there. Is it right, that it’s possible to playPerfect Dark with 8 players? I mean 4 players and 4 -N64 controlled- characters at the same time???? Now after the E3, you can say that, I think…
Where is TWYCROSS? I could’t find it on ANY map!
You see, these are some important questions. (Sorry for my English, it’s not the best…) Please answer them, thank you!
David Adametz
PS: Greetings also to our friendly Uncle Tusk!
PPS: The word “arse” sounds better than “ass”!

Follow that designer!
“1. Vielleicht…
“2. Draw one line between Nuneaton and Tamworth. Draw another line between the centre of Birmingham and the centre of Leicester. Twycross is somewere around there. Or you could just buy a better map.”

Dear person who reads this,
When you stick your face (or mug if you prefer such a word) into PD, how do you get past the lack of colourness in a GameBoy? Or do all the characters then wander around with black and white heads in some sort of Al Jolson travesty?
Is there a cheat on the GameBoy Color to get it spelled right? Can I staple a u onto the front or will this invalidate my warranty? Could you go and slap your friends at Nintendo for releasing it in the UK spelled wrong? Can you make sure any games you release for it boot up with GameBoy ColoUr flashing across at the beginning? Probably not eh?
Hmmm. Car Park/Parking Lot debate. I’ll try to sum it up:
“Haha parking lot? What like lots of parking eh? Ho ho.”
“No. Lot as in an area of land. Which cars park on.”
“Oh… I see… yeah good choice of words.”
“Pah! Car park? What, like a place where cars, like park?”
“Errr yeah.”
“Bugger.”
And so ends any debate. Or not.
How about using turd more often if arse is being overused. Or the word state, as used by ten year olds. Although technically the spelling in accordance with phonetics should be staaaaaaaaaate. Only with the huge amount of cynicism and disbelief that only the young can achieve.
But then again ten year olds wouldn’t believe you if you told them the world was flat. Which it is incidentally. The Discworld books are just a cunning ploy. You see, once they become a religion, everyone will start to believe the world is indeed flat which will allow the scientists to admit they made a mistake after all. Imagine their embarrassment. The world has to be flat how else would God play frisbee? How about making God 64? you get to be God. Unfortunately because of Christianity you can’t get directly involved and have to sit back and wait for your ineffable plan to finish. The graphics engine may be a bit difficult though having to be everywhere at once.
I must go now before the MI5 give me a Chinese burn for revealing the flat earth truth.
J. Edwards
It’s all true except the bits that aren’t.

PD in B&W: “We get over it by making the whole game in black and white. Look out for the Maltese Falcon multiplayer level.”
Game Boy games: Er, probably not, no. Sorry.
Car parks: Neatly argued. Well done. B+.
‘State’: You what?
God 64: I get the feeling that if I make even the most jaunty, lightweight comment on this, I’ll still find myself out in the gutter and on some crucial industry blacklist first thing tomorrow morning. Nice idea, though. (D’oh! – The Industry)

Dear Scribes,
Last month I had an epiphany. Since laying a heavy shilelaghing on everyone who’ll still play with me, I’ve found myself trying to come up with some way to add freshness to Goldeneye again. Turok II had been a bitter disappointment and Goldeneye, though a splendid game, was beginning to grow a tad old. Now I had bought this 36? TV with all sorts of great specs and was enjoying the four player split screens at a reasonable size when it struck me that (with a few cable splitters, a little masking tape and a some cardboard) it would be possible to set up my living room as a Bond room! Not just any Bond room, mind you, but a Bond room where the four TVs stood at opposite corners with cardboard covering three quarters of the screen and the players all sat in the middle of the room, playing a chaotic, lag free game of Goldeneye where no one has any idea where anyone else is! I made it happen, and it was fantastic. My buddies hold me in the highest esteem, and no longer mock me when I have epiphanies.
So my apartment is a hopping party-pad and I have the respect of my peers. I wanted to write you guys and let you know how much I appreciate this grand creation you’ve spawned … but there’s a problem. My friends and I find my set up to be both convenient and aesthetically pleasing. My living room is like a temple to symmetry and simplicity and panache. There are no pictures on the walls. There are no carpets or end tables. There are only chairs and Goldeneye. Yet for all this balance and polish, chicks just don’t seem to dig my digs. I get strange looks and snorts of derision. My own girlfriend calls my vision an abomination, and seeks its destruction! How can it be that on this issue there exists so great a rift? How can a game so splendid be scorned by what appears to be an entire half of a populace? I look forward to hearing from you.
Nathan
PS: Knackers… and when is Perfect Dark coming out? Don’t toy with me!

Rest easy, my friend. The designer shares your agony: “My own girlfriend is on record as saying of GoldenEye ‘I’m sure it’s very good’. I’m not sure if she’s actually seen it because FPS games give her motion sickness.”
On the other hand, I have it on good authority that at least one other member of the GoldenEye/PD team has a setup remarkably similar to your own… though not for GoldenEye, obviously. Well, I hope not.
Perfect Dark is currently due out sometime in December. We’re not toying with you, sir. Wouldn’t dream of it.

What the dilly, yo?
Might I be so bold as to suggest two lines of code for Perfect Dark? Please, for the love of Arse and all things holy (pun intended) add this:
if (joanna = dead)
enemies = stopshooting;
AND
if (pause button = activated)
enemydamage = 0;
I can’t tell you how annoying it is to pause Goldeneye mid-game, only to be slammed in the back of the head several times and docked a couple of HPs during the time it takes for Bond to get his watch up. Also, it’s VERY irritating so see the enemy soldiers pumping your cold, lifeless corpse full of lead as you fall to the ground.
Anyhoo, at the risk of repeating what everyone else has been saying, Goldeneye whomps bottom… except for the fact that I’ve just finished playing for an hour straight (that’s one FULL hour, from 12:15 to 1:15) trying to get that damn Invincibility code… without any results. And I plan to continue playing for hours on end until I get that code (read: HELP!).
Your Commonwealth Bud, eh?
Nick

Those sadistic guards, eh? Tsk. And that watch, eh? Tsk. Let’s see the designer talk his way out of those. Well, sir?
The posthumous overkill: “Of course it’s irritating. It’s to remind you that you’ve just been crap.” Oh. And the whole watch thing: “Well, if you’re naive enough to look at your watch in the middle of a firefight…”
Can’t say fairer than that.

July 19^th 1999:

Dear Scribes,
On the front of a magazine I was reading the other day was a logo for Perfect Dark. It looked like a P and a d ripped out of the page. But my friend is convinced it was an N. We have had a long discussion about this (we were bored) so what is it. Please. Oh yeah, arse.
Luke
PS. If it is an “N”, why.

The designer, he say: “You should really make an effort to do interesting things if this is the result of boredom. And infuriatingly, the answer is ‘both’.”
It’s Pd, you see, but it’s also designed to resemble an ‘N’ because if it didn’t, the morphing effect from the N64 logo during the game’s intro sequence would look a bit pants.

Dear Scribes,
Here are some questions which no doubt you’ll read but probably not answer.

How many Rare workers does it take to make a game? (And it’s not supposed to sound like a “light bulb” joke).
Aren’t those Goldeneyetime cheats wonderful. So frustrating, yet so pleasing. Will we see the likes of them in Perfect Dark?
Do you lot make such quality games because your knowledge of the Universe at large is so vast, or is it raw talent?
And finally…
What is the probability of someone’s letter being answered?
Um, I think that just about covers it. Thanks for answering.
Peter Monks

Make your mind up whether or not I’m supposed to be answering you. Had me all flustered for a minute there.
Right, there’s a PD question in amongst that lot somewhere – good enough justification for passing all of them over to the PD designer if you ask me…
“1. ‘Just enough.’
“2. There is a chance that they may possibly be considered for something like that.
“3. Bad games aren’t worth making. This we know.
“4.
(Cs + L) x (R + Q(g))
1 + (AOL x (A1, A2… An) x P!) x (S1, S2… Sn)
Key:
Cs = Common SenseAOL = Aol user
L = LiteracyA = Instances of Abuse
R = RelevanceP! = Incorrect or Excessive Punctuation
Q(g) = Genuine QueryS = No. of identical submissions.”

Greetings Scribes,
I am very distressed because I heard that Perfect Dark was going to have an “M” (as in Mature) ESRB rating. I was very surprised to hear this as Rareware (at least to my knowledge) has never done a game with a rating above “T.” I loved GoldenEye and I am eagerly anticipating Perfect Dark, however if it was rated Mature I know that my parents would never allow me to purchase it. I know hundreds of other people for which this is the same situation. So please, tell me this isn’t true and that Perfect Dark will have a “T” rating.
Mark Willard

Designer! “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. Perfect Dark is expected to get a Mature rating.”
Sorry about that. Fact is, though, it was never designed to be anything other than an adult game. So no doubt we’re in for a flood of complaints from the other half of the gamesplaying public, i.e. the half that doesn’t complain about the cute games… ho hum.

Dear Big Man Floating Above Twycross,
You stupid spellchecker, Twycross is a proper word. Sorry about that, I get over excited easily.

How come in the instruction manual says that she’s called Tooty while the game says she’s calledTooie? Which is her true identity or is it a conspiracy?!?!?!?!?
Killer Instinct Pokemon, it would be brilliant, Pikachu doing a thundershock attack up Uncle Tusk’s arse.
Please Note: The Killer Instinct characters wouldn’t be there for any other reason than the fact that watching 1ft tall creatures beat the crap out of fully grown men is both fun and amusing.
Wot are you guys doing for the Dolphin? How about Banjo-Kazooie–Tooie-Tiptup-Donkey-Diddy-Dixie-Kiddy-Conker-Joanna-Timber-Pipsy?
I have proof of the existence of Mr Pants64! By threatening to set foot on the new carpark, I forced an unnamed member of staff to give me the beta copy of a bonus level featured in the game. Enjoy.
Yours Sincerely,
Pikachu

The game doesn’t say she’s called Tooie. For the umpteenth time, it’s just… oh, I can’t be bothered.
Stop trying to salvage your credibility.
Don’t be ridiculous. How could we possibly justify including Joanna?
The Mr. Pants bonus game provided hours of solid entertainment, thank you kindly. Can’t beat that good old-fashioned left-to-right-and-nothing-else gameplay. However, had you indeed set foot on the new car park, you would have been instantly electrocuted – so bear that in mind when your thoughts inevitably turn to the Tiptup 64 subgames.

Salutations Rare-Guy-Who-Never-Gives-a-Straight-Answer,
Finally! A video game web site that has the slightest sense of humor; IGN64!
Kidding. I just have to ask one question. I figure if I ask it now there will be a good chance that I will get a response sometime in the next four to six years. In Perfect Dark, is Joanna Dark pronounced Joan-na or Jo-an-na Dark?
SirNick5@aol.com
P.S. What would happen if I sent this letter to you 20,000 times? What’s that? You’d be delighted? Okay, here’s number one…

It’s pronounced Jo-an-na, just like every other instance of the name since the dawn of time: for example, er… Eddy Grant’s 1990 political anthem Gimme Hope Jo’anna. Yeah.
PS More than once and I’d refer you to Uncle Tusk. He’d be even more delighted.

Dear Idiot,
I have things that I need to ask you about.

Apparently, I need to make a very good point or be a stupid moron to get printed. (Sez me, who has written you… ohh… about 987 billion times… give or take a few…)
To the person writing in, asking if the Multiplayer creations in PD would have pasty-white faces; I would think that Rare would have some sort of flesh toner for the skin coloration.
Kat; do you realize that by saying that you rushed down to Snippets “with a warm feeling in your breast” that you’ll never get FLEAB whats-his-face to leave you alone?!
Helllooooo… Sean Williamson… where are you… I have a little present for you… (by the way Scribes, don’t tell him that I plan to jump him, steal all of his valuables (if he has any) and take him to a doctor to get him a partial lobotomy).
If I write in a very illiterate fashion, will I get printed? Or maybe if I annoy you with old movie and TV quotes? Shine your shoes? Get you a harem of dancing gypsy girls with the see-thru pink pants? What?
I know what you’ll do next summer… (ripping off movie title in process).
NintenGenius
S. Who wants to melt SirSlush2? I do!!
P.P.S. At least everyone has shut up about TipTup.
P.P.P.S. Use the word ‘booty’ instead of arse! I dare ya!!

People may have shut up about Tiptup, but they’re making up for it by bundling in PS after irrelevant PS instead. Hey ho.

No, you just need to attract my attention, amuse or interest me in the slightest, because I am Lord and Master of this godforsaken page and you will indulge my every whim, you filthy rabble.
Don’t spoil it, we were enjoying that…
Either he’s stopped reading or he’s a man of remarkable fortitude. Not even a single tetchy swearword from the great Mr. Williamson since his original confession and the haranguing that followed (for those of you who’ve just joined us, you can view his heartrending missive halfway down Uncle Tusk’s March 4th column). Come on, Seanie! Show your face!
Any of those would help except the first one.
Have another sprog, probably. That’s what I’ve done for the last two summers.

August 25^th 1999:

Dear People who are so mean that they work for a company that will deny gamers under 17 years of age the chance to play the best game ever,
According to the ESRB’s official site:
Titles rated “Mature (M)” have content suitable for persons ages 17 and older. These products may include more intense violence or language than products in the Teen category. In addition, these titles may also include mature sexual themes.
According to this I have compiled the following of possible reasons for PD getting an M rating:

Joanna has a curse-fest.
Rare adds buckets of blood. (See Player’s Pulse from Nintendo Power Volume No. 110)
Rare takes away Joanna’s clothes (“)
I sympathize w/ Mark Willard as I am in the same predicament.
PLEASE, for the sake of younger gamers who enjoyed GoldenEye. Take Nintendo’s advice and censor some of this.
-Jim Robbins

The time has come… for a comedy hook to slip around the PD designer’s neck and drag him on from stage left. Witness his elaboration:
“1. No, this doesn’t happen, I assure you. No murfurn hoes in this game…
“2. I wouldn’t call it ‘buckets’, but there is a bit of blood when you shoot someone now; not enough in itself to cause a rating boost…
“3. In yer dreams.”
But at the end of the day, PD has never been anything other than a mature-themed game, so we don’t have a problem with the censors’ rating – especially with the media spotlight trained on the industry of late. Official PD team word: “Sorry, but that’s how it is, and it’s unlikely to change before the game is released.”

September 16^th 1999:

Dear Scribes,
(Scene: A hot, stuffy lounge, where a lone figure slaves over a PC. Work is interrupted by an entering stranger, who says ‘Rar!’.)
CHRIS: What’s that, Floyd? Hunh? You say Leigh’s in trouble? He’s fallen down the abandoned mine!?
FLOYD: No, you moron, but he’s clearly pleading* for assistance in the latest issue of Scribes. It seems that a Mr. James Roberts is being overly cynical to him, and he’s so weakened by pointless questions that he can’t muster the resolve for a sarcastic response! We must come to his aid! Erm, I mean, rar!
CHRIS: You’re right! Quick, let us construct a cunning e-mail, laced with wit and sophistication, with pertinent points to counter James’s argument but with a dose of subtle humour to keep the masses entertained.
FLOYD: That, or we could steal his shoes. Rar!
READERS: Stop, we have tired of this trite prose! Get to the bloody point!

Sorry, getting a bit carried away there. Still, you said that comments on the content of Mr Roberts’s letter were welcome, and I’m nothing if not obliging. Let’s start by looking at the existing human women in Rare’s games, shall we? If we can catch any of them in the act of simpering, we know that Mr Roberts’s fears of stereotyping are justified:
NATALYA SIMONOVA: Starts off locked in a jail cell, requiring Bond to rescue her, upon which she blunders around blindly. Says “I’m scared” when shot at. Oh, sorry, that’s the first half of the game. Upon being trained by Jack Wade, she learns how to use the Cougar Magnum, one of the most powerful weapons in the game and does most of the ‘Jungle’ level for Bond while he hides behind a tree with his wimpy PP7. Compare this to the Natalya of the film – she never handles a gun, does she? She does climb up a satellite dish, admittedly, but it seems that Martin Hollis and co. have made Natalya less of a ‘stereotypical Bond girl’ than she was in the movie. Kudos to them, I say.
XENIA ONATOPP: Wears a leather outfit, but is bound by the constraints of the movie. Carries around an RCP-90 and a grenade launcher. Never simpers or bats her eyelids.
JOANNA DARK: Amazingly, a female character who is NOT blonde and stick-thin. Wears a sensible outfit, suited for the terrain and enivonments she encounters.
VELA: Vela IS A CARTOON. Some hints to this would be the huge, tiger-esque eyes and blue hair – she is not meant to look realistic, and therefore does not need to become an icon of 90’s feminism. The three ‘human’ women can do that for her. If Vela was, and I quote, ‘probably based on the demography of [the] target audience’, don’t you think that she would have been made to look realistically human?
Stereotyping of both men and women has been around in games since they first appeared. Rare, however, are one of the few companies to avoid the temptation of appealing to the youth demographic. Eidos (Lara Croft), Capcom (Chun Li), Midway (Sonya Blade) and even Nintendo (Peach, Zelda, Samus Aran) have all used ‘disproportionally enhanced’ women in their games, and men too – all fighting games feature blokes in their underwear with large muscles. Men just don’t complain about it as much. Rare stands out as one of the shining examples of how women should be portrayed – independent and capable, without being shown as sexless. I suggest, therefore, that you think of Vela as a cartoon character, or a caricature of the the sorts of women that are usually portrayed in games such as this. Surely it would be more appropriate to complain to a company that is recognised as perpetuating the stereotype?
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh in this (long) letter, but it seems to me that attacking Rare for being stereotypical is like smashing up someone’s BMW for starting WWII – a case of misplaced anger.
Regards,
Chris Allcock
*Okay, so not pleading, but definitely asking nicely.

Erm, I’m not sure about labelling the likes of Peach and Zelda “disproportionally enhanced”. But that aside, old fruit, your staunch defence is not only welcome, but representative of all the feedback we’ve had on the matter. To be fair, Natalya and Xenia pretty much had to be shown as they were in the film, as you say, but the depiction of Joanna Dark (with her relatively subdued ‘female charms’) is all down to us. Like Vela, she’s not only a character central to her game but a strong, wilful heroine to boot: worth noting, because unless your morals are badly skewed, it’s the behaviour of these characters that should count for as much as (if not more than) their superficial appearance.
And it’s a good point about the scantily-clad male characters, too. Anyone taking issue with KI’s female fighters only has to look at Tusk to see the other side of the coin. To my knowledge, there hasn’t been a single instance of irate females writing in to complain about any of our characters…

Dear… person,
I’d like to warn you now that this letter won’t contain as much irrelevant crap as you’re used to, but don’t let that put you off from getting someone to answer my questions.

Why are the Temple and Complex being included inPD‘s deathmatch? These were two of the worst levels from GoldenEye (I never do the random select just in case it came up with the Complex).
How does the pause menu work in PD? It’s really annoying getting shot while Bond takes ages to look at his watch.
Why does Duncan Botwood look so evil in all his magazine photos?
I know there are going to be a lot of weapons in the game, but will there be lots of gadgets too?
How many levels will there be?
About the excellent create-a-player/GB Camera thing. Will altering character… characteristics change the way they play? For example, I’ve read you can change height, weight, skin colour, etc. But will fat characters move slowly/Black characters move fast/Asian characters be cleverer/White characters be… well… (uh-oh, I’ve gone too far).
Nhoj Senrab
PS Don’t you think IGN’s ‘new look’ is stupid.
PPS Isn’t Donkey Kong just Mr Burns wearing his famed ‘gorilla chest vest’.
PPPS What football team do you support? (You’d better answer carefully – i.e. lie if you really support Man Utd – as this could seriously affect whether the public buy Rare games or not.)
PPPPS Okay, I admit it, there was an average proportion of irrelevant crap.

Right, let’s get you some tetchy answers, ‘Nhoj’.
“1. It depends on your personal favourite level. If you have no friends, I could understand you getting upset at the appearance of levels that are best played with more than one person.
“2. You press start, it pauses. There might be a bit of graphical movement, but that’s it. Stop me if I’m getting too technical.
“3. I have embraced the dark side. Fear is my ally. One truth, one hate, etc.
“3. Yes. Is this one labelled 3 because the last one wasn’t a proper question?
“4. Seventeenish. Possible bonus levelage aside (!!!)
“5. To some extent, yes. We’re tinkering with that now.
“PS. I really don’t care. Next-Gen’s last facelift was more irritating.
“PPS. Uh….
“PPPS. I don’t. But since my Fantasy Football goalie is De Goey, I’ll have to say Chelsea. As long as my strikers don’t score when they play Chelsea I’ll be happy. Sort of.
“PPPPS. ‘Average’, you say. Hmmm. Do you always underestimate so much?”

Dear Scribes,
Is Jo Dark really a woman underneath all that slinky clothing? One of Jo’s relatives, a certain “D Dark” from one of the Street Fighters, had me absolutely convinced that ‘she’ was a woman. ‘She’ had soft blond hair, lashy eyes, a long, exciting whip, and a face that, though partially obscured by a gasmask, was very feminine indeed. Imagine my surprise when I finished the game with D Dark, and discovered, with the removal of certain items of clothing, that ‘she’ was a man! Too disturbingly close to The Crying Game, that one. Or Trainspotters.
So please confirm that your devilish cronies at Rare aren’t putting in a “stalk-wilter” cheat to reveal Jo in all his effulgent glory, nor working to provide poor Joanna with her very own “~Uiru” (pronunciation as per Uncle Tusk, 6th July).
Please, you MUST tell me! “Help me Editor-of-rareware, you’re my only hope!”
Princess Goodie
PS “She sounds like she needs help” — Luke Skywalker.
PPS “Rare can have a profound effect on the weak-minded” — Obi Wan Kenobi.

I don’t know why you’re making this out to be an obvious cause for concern – no other Street Fighter player in the world has ever mistaken D. Dark for a woman, you loon. You must have had a heart attack at the end of Metroid. Granted the PD team are trying to squeeze in quite an imaginative background story, but they haven’t yet sunk to revealing Ms. Dark as a big butch bloke… or at least not until you started putting ideas into their heads.

October 28^th 1999:

Hello Mad Bad Dangerous to know Rarepeople,
So, PD yet again delayed, eh? Who’d have thunk it? Still if the game’s going to be half as kick-ass as your screenshots show, April’s fine (for me at least). April 2000, April 2001, maybe even April 2002 if need be (although whether or not anyone would buy it in preference for a Dolphin game is dubious). Seriously, forget the words of your detractors, knockers, and jeerers… make the game immaculate. After all, if we wanted something vapid, poor quality, and instantly-gratifying, we’d never have bothered with your cheats in Goldeneye… or indeed with Goldeneye at all. (And we’d probably all be eating Pot Noodles.) One little question, though: will the release date for the PAL version still be the same as for NTSC? In other words, will those of us living in YOUR home country, whose taxes go to feed YOUR monarchy have to wait even longer than the USside Rare fans? Please do tell.
A general question – does anybody know what PD stands for in French? I heard it meant “gay” in terms of sexuality, but what words does it stand for? Whilst I was travelling back to the UK, I happened to stop at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, and the airport staff there seemed less than helpful when I asked them what “PD” stood for. Anybody have any clue?
I completed Goldeneye Cradle 00 yesterday using nothing but two Klobbs. It was very difficult, and I believe the amount of time I spent in something so abjectly pointless illustrates the massive NEED and YEARNING and LONGING that the public has for GOOD GAMES for their consoles such as the NINTENDO SIXTYFOUR especially those done by ENGLISH COMPANIES such as RAREWARE. As opposed to the “oh here’s another PC conversion by A B or C yawnaminute”. Oh yes and I froze the game after completing Aztec level in a weird way (I placed a load of mines on the rocket tailfin and the endscene never materialized). Obviously an intentional fault, yes?
Could any of you tell me what Joanna Dark’s favorite dish is? She looks like a pasta person to me, but I’d be quite happy to hear that she likes soups too. Does she have British or American tastes? (In other words, does she like frankfurters and absolutely despise sausages?) Cumberland sausage? Yorkshire pudding for the lady, sirs? Perhaps even spotted dick?
Anyhow enough crude prandial innuendo and rantings for the moment. Just a reassurance note from your gulli…- er, loyal, PD fans that April for us is “just groovy baby, yeah!!”. Seriously, take your time. We love you for it.
BenjaminCJHu, Durham
PS Where do Juno and Vela appear prior to JFG? I haven’t been able to find any other mention of them on your website, but maybe that’s just me.

Hrrmmm. Can’t help you with the PAL/NTSC release date thing, I’m afraid. We don’t handle the distribution, so the ball’s not in our court there, old boy.
The French meaning of PD? Let’s ask Designer Boy: “Perfect Dark, I should hope. Anything else would be silly.” Right. And, erm, Joanna’s favourite food? “Oysters. Nah, only kidding. Curry.”
PS They – oh, hang on, he wants to answer this one as well. Masochist.
“They’re in GoldenEye; you have to put a load of mines on the rocket tailfin and destroy their ship, then they appear and hound you mercilessly for the rest of your existence.”

Dear Scribes,
Hi. I’ve just started at uni, and all of the drinking and stuff – great, eh? Anyway, I’ve met someone downstairs from my flat who is just AMAZING at Goldeneye – he has every cheat, every level and every mode, using the two joypad method. Why is it in life that when you think you are good at something (00 Agent Control), you find someone better than you? Anyway, I beat him on multiplayer. Heh heh heh.
My questions are the following:-

Will PDhave the two joypad player method?
Isn’t the hands-and-face-through-door bug really funny in Goldeneye?
Will PDmultiplayer have a Licence to Kill option under a different name? Pretty pretty please!
Will PDbe as tough as Goldeneye (a good thing)?
Why is that Banjo-Kazooie looksand sounds nice, but that the levels are too small and it’s much too easy? Please tell me that Banjo-Tooie, Conker 64 and DK64 will all be much bigger and harder (oo-er).
Thanks for your time – I worship Rare. Without Rareware.Com, the world would be a much worse place. Cheers.

Delegate! Delegate! Where’s that designer? Aha.
“1. Yes.
“2. That depends on who you are.
“3. Yes, possibly something like ‘Killing License’. Or maybe not.
“4. Yes, arguably tougher. But at least twice as good.”
If it’s sheer size you’re after, DK64’s your man. Monkey. Thing. Jet Force is pretty hefty too, and I’d imagine B-T’s going to be a considerably larger beast than its predecessor. So you size freaks are pretty well catered for all round…

December 23^rd 1999:

Scribes,
First I’d like to say that JFG is one of my favourite games of all time. How do you guys do it? The little touches – The Bug disco and arcade, Floyd missions, Mizar in his non-question mark glory, the wonderful cut scenes and on and on and on… It is so good, it could be better than Zelda. No, it is better than Zelda. Sucking up aside, how in arse’s name did you manage to get Mr. Pants in the game? How did you persuade the developers to put this badly drawn man wearing a bowler hat and pants into this wonderful game? I think that should be Rare’s new trademark. In every game: Mr. Pants. Go on, he will be in PD and DK64 won’t he? Please. And look no p.s’s. Or rubbish picture attachments. And I’m not an AOL user. This must be printed.
Mecha Mr Ed

Hang on – past editions suggest that all those things will in fact help your chances of being printed rather than counting as points against. Never mind, full marks for your brave yet futile attempt to buck the trend.
As far as I know Pantsy-boy didn’t make it into DK64, but there are several possibilities being touted for a comeback in PD… none of which I realistically expect to come to fruition, but you know, it passes the time.

Hello peeps,
Anybody have any idea when DK64 will be out in the UK? (More specifically, in the Electronics Boutique near Durham University?) I can’t wait to get a chance to slap that big bad furry monkey into my eager and waiting console slot, etc etc.
Er, yeah… now for something more seriously-minded.
From Ed’s evasive answers to this matter in previous Scribes, I have built up a rather strange idea of what might be causing the game Perfect Dark to be saddled with a mature rating from the word go.
Let’s be anal about this (short for analytical. Obviously):
Question: Discuss, using quotations and diagrams where necessary, the awarding of a “mature” rating to the late-20th century gaming legend, Perfect Dark. Your answer will be marked on succinctness, structure, coherence, and theoretical accuracy.
(Time allowed: 2 hrs.)
Essay outline: [panic! panic! panic!]
………
Well, firstly, consider the most obvious reason for a mature rating: Sex.
I can’t imagine Rare putting a full frontal shot of Jo Dark into the game, nor do I imagine she gets put into any Pulp-Fiction-esque compromising situations with twin hillbilly brothers (one named Zed) in a gunstore cellar somewhere. No, the reason cannot be because of sexual themes or nudity. So what then?
Violence? Well, from the few snippets I’ve seen of the game’s first level, it looks like the violence level is not much higher than that of Goldeneye, which is pretty tame by computer game standards, you have to admit. So what else?
Curses and obscenities, perhaps? There is a difference. Terms like “damn” and “hell” and even the ubiquitous “God” will certainly consitute swearing… but the myriad of four-letter Anglo-Saxon words used to describe somewhat more bodily matters do not. They’re the ones which only fall under the term ‘vulgarities’ – and they’re the ones most likely to get a game boosted up to a mature rating.
The only other thing I can imagine is the question of plot and storyline. Let us imagine that the storyline is so convoluted and sophisticated that it can only really be understood fully by those who have a pretty good grasp of current affairs. (Though why this cuts out under-17-year-olds beats me. From how adept they are at handling the internet and playing N64 games, you’d have thought they’d be on the cutting edge of current affairs.) This is entirely possible, given that the storyline starts off with aliens and alien contact… which is so cliched a storyline that you’d imagine Rare would have to do a lot of elaboration and reality-tweaking to make it sound feasible.
With the genre of space and science fiction growing more and more tired and saddle sore, the ones that are truly classic are almost always the ones that are NOT immediately accessible to, say, the average 9-year-old kid (examples from literature, film, and games include: 2001 AD – A Space Odyssey, the Red Mars trilogy, the Chung Kuo octalogy, and the Alpha Centauri PC game, to name but a few). Perhaps Rare’s similar moves to make PD more gritty and reality-based have resulted in a game that is similarly exclusive in its target audience. Therefore, it has to be made mature-rated in order to ensure that its players don’t miss out the plot and feel shortchanged at the end of it… Desperate, desperate theory here indeed.
I’m aware that this email probably sounds terribly indulgent, patronizing, and condescending towards our younger N64 players, and I’d like to apologize for it. Having been Klobbed to death by more under-17s than I would care to admit, I have no intention of denouncing the playing prowess of that section of gaming society. But you have to understand I’m clutching at straws here, trying to work out why your game is excluding that age group, and if my theories are unbalanced… well, then perhaps that’s because you people have been so darn oblique about the REAL reason.
So how about it? A few lines to explain PD‘s Mature rating? How much could that hurt you guys?
Minsky
PS It has just occurred to me that the reason why you’re being so quiet is that you guys really know something the Roswell aliens… and this is your way of telling us about it. Or warning us. Or just toying with us before you doff your human disguises and storm over the world like intergalactic stormtroopers. Ah, me, where are Juno and Vela in the real world when you need them???
PPS Leigh looks like an alien, so perhaps I’m not too far off the mark here.

The designer speaks, and he says: “One of your suppositions is nearly correct. It’s not the one about aliens, tho’.”
Oblique enough for you? You can probably rule out the swearing/’vulgarities’ one too. Personally I was dumbfounded by the number of strange people who came popping out of the woodwork to splutter in outrage at the phrase “hell of a guy” in the DK Rap. As if any film, book, song or TV programme that dared to say such a thing (and in a particularly inoffensive context, no less – Good Lord, have we no shame?) would expect to get slapped with an automatic Mature rating. So does that mean ‘heaven’ is deeply offensive as well? And if not, why not? Sigh. (Gets off soapbox.)

Dear Scribes,
I’m just writing to ask if you have any RPG style titles in the works. It would be nice to see a Zelda (on Dolphin of course) beater coming from a company whose main attributes are little monkeys, Mickey Mouse, a now old Bond game and Perfect Dark. A title which took so long that all but its most dedicated/sheepish followers hung out for. I gotta admit I’m one of those followers, and a tad disappointed at that, after all with the new technology currently gracing my brand new PC PD can’t help looking dated before it reaches completion. I’m not really one to usually criticise the best developer in the biz (but I will!) it’s just the N64 has been fraught by delays ever since day 1 (which ironically was set back as well) and with only a handful of true quality titles DK64 and JFG are a sad case of bad timing: my message you ask; just for your sake bang out the titles early, ideally you should have few well underway by now.
If not for the sake of fame, riches and glory (and if you’re really lucky pleasures of the flesh – that means women for the 12 yr olds who write in most of this trash) then for the sake of actually decent games for the educated gamers. Y’know the people who read EDGE not Playstation Power, who buy Nintendo consoles to play Rare and Nintendo games as they are truly great games, not like Tomb Raider 103 and FIFA, Rainy Edition 2.
Goddamit I love your games but please I just want to play more of them. Face it, truth is decent games publishers are an endangered species, to such an extent that respect in the industry starts and ends with Nintendo.
Cir
P.S Now that my rant’s over I’d just like to say it would be nice to see more letters involving games instead of the usual “Mr. Pants has joined up with Cranky Kong and they’re having it off in Funky’s Shed, have a look @ the pic if you don’t believe me”. Still the replies are pretty funny…

Ah, so the secret of ultimate wisdom is to read Edge? Okay…
Seems you’ve got a problem with every one of our games that’s not GoldenEye or Perfect Dark, but if every game we did was a first-person shooter, you’d be just as quick to complain (along with the rest of the gaming world). And if you feel you can’t get any enjoyment out of DK64 or JFG just because we’ve released them quite late in the N64’s life cycle, there’s not a lot we can do about that either. It’s the way development works – obvious as it sounds, games are finished when they’re finished, so “banging out the titles early” just doesn’t come into it.

Dear Scribes,
My name is Phillip Kuhler and I was wondering if you had a tentative release date for Perfect Dark yet?
I also wanted to thank you. Goldeneye has helped me become the pale-skinned recluse that I am. I enjoy playing the single person mode just as much as the astounding multiplayer mode. Even though my roommates and I have been playing this game going on 2 years now we can still play for hours, with no attention paid to the time. I truly feel as if you have created a masterpiece. A Pong, or Pacman of the 90’s. A whole new Bond dialect has been formed. Words such as ‘birth-ed’ and ‘straggeti’ and phrases such as ‘got dead’ and ‘I am suck’ have never been heard more. My friends and I have spent and will continue to spend countless hours when we should be studying in front of our 35? desperately trying to kill each other. Thank you so much!
I look forward to the release of Perfect Dark. I am sure you have done an excellent job, and again thank you!
Phillip Kuhler

You’re lucky. The designer’s gone all festive and mellow:
“Ah well, it’s Christmastime. Our scheduled release date for Perfect Dark is still April, as Nintendo stated a while ago. And we’re very glad that you continue to enjoy GoldenEye. Although your English teachers must be apoplectic by now.”
I thought ‘I am suck’ was strangely charming, myself.