Top 5 Playable Rare Characters (With Horrifying Consequences)
by Lerako on Feb 24th, 2012
Variety is the spice of life they say, so it should bring about a nice change of pace when Rare offers us a plethora of interchangeable characters that we can swap out on fly to shake things up. While this notion rings true in titles like Kameo: Elements of Power, where each character has their own unique abilities that contribute to a whole, the same can’t be said for certain titles in Rare‘s massive library where the distribution process of usefulness or skill was a little more… lacking. Perhaps these flaws weren’t seen immediately, but if you stuck by your guns and continued to play where other sane players would have dipped off, you’re sure to discover the terrifying repercussions for doing so. Perhaps your mother would stop loving you, or the experience of leading these clueless characters through tedium and turmoil would age you mentally and physically. Alright, perhaps not to that dramatic extent, but you’ll never be able to know for sure unless you’ve had the variety spice wind up in your eyes as well. These are the Top 5 Playable Rare Characters (With Horrifying Consequences).
#5. LANKY KONG – DONKEY KONG 64
Hiding himself in the Tag-Barrel away from prying eyes, Lanky Kong was one of the five Kongs lending their abilities to form the DK Crew in Donkey Kong 64. While we aren’t dismissing this Kong’s usefulness displayed in the title – we do have to admit our reluctance to play him. Admit it, when you were touring the DK Isles you never willingly picked Lanky to explore the shores, and for good reason – he’s a total freak! Whether it was his jaunty and unbalanced run that set you off, or the way he gleefully slapped his own arse after spinning around, Lanky was unabashedly spun, instilling fear and uncertainty into the hearts of many. Also, we’re pretty sure that he vicariously taught us to hate anyone that was different from us. Thanks for that, Lanky!
#4. KRUNCH – DIDDY KONG RACING
Joining a fray of racers that included a bear, a squirrel, a mouse and a turtle – it would seem that Krunch the Kremling was easily one of the more capable anthropomorphic characters, and you would be right when discussing the single player Adventure mode. Once you’ve laid witness to Krunch consecutively winning a few races in your campaign file, you’ll decide to switch out your current racer for the Kremling ready to ride your Golden Balloons to the top. What you got instead was a sluggish racer with terrible handling who would come in last every single time. In the hands of the AI controlling him, this would be different – but in your incapable sweaty palms you’d have the Kremling running into walls until you swore off ever having to use him again.
#3. GOOFY – MICKEY’S RACING ADVENTURE
Working your way through Mickey’s Racing Adventure you’ll find that you’ll have the opportunity to play as a number of characters ranging from the unhinged Donald Duck to Mickey‘s best girl Minnie. While each character brings with them a new addition of tracks to play, you could do worse than sticking around town unearthing bones as Pluto – and that was to play as Goofy. If his daunting height or ridiculous walk wasn’t enough, what truly had us driving him into walls was his racecourses. Everything is fine at first until the first few seconds pass, and then your eyes are treated to a seizure inducing flickering color spectrum as the track rapidly switches colors making it nearly impossible to concentrate on racing. Maybe this is why they don’t let Pluto drive…
#2. ODDJOB – GOLDENEYE 007
Not all of the characters on this list are bound to be dreadful, in a rare exception some of them can be quite useful. Take the notorious vertically challenged Oddjob of Goldeneye 007 fame, who uses his short stature as an unfair edge against the taller players – landing every one of his shorts in a pelvis while his opponents rounds zing harmlessly over his head. If you’re facing off against friends, there’s either a race to see who can select Oddjob first to torment their opponents, or a system wide ban on even thinking about playing him. Either way, those who do wield this stout superweapon will do so unabated against those who can’t seem to manipulate their crosshair in time. Eventually Oddjobs horrifying ramifications will come to light as all your friends leave you.
#1. YOU READING THIS – KINECT SPORTS
Without a doubt, you are the worst video game character imaginable; you’ve got no magical abilities, pale unappealing complexion, and a stink about you. Still, Rare saw fit with creating a title crafted around you with their Kinect Sports series. While you might argue that you’re controlling an avatar instead, the avatar is still based after your likeness and control, which is still terrible and applicable. The worst bit about playing as you is that you’ve still got pesky human limitations, which means after you’ve played nearly 12 hours straight of Kinect Sports or its big brother Kinect Sports: Season Two you’ll wake up the next morning and find that absolutely everything hurts at once, and that is the worst consequence for picking a character if we’ve ever heard one.
Categories: Top 5 Lists
0 Comments
This post has been left all alone with no comments. Don't leave it lonesome - give it some company with a comment.