Top 5 Massive Rare Plot Holes That Nobody Seems To Notice
While the call of duty to most of Rare‘s titles are enough incentive for us to rescue our bear cub sister, recollect our banana horde or meander home sporting a hangover, putting too much thought into the plot might bring up several existential questions – like what you’re wasting your life with, for instance. Never truly finished scrutinizing insignificant details, nor spending productive energies on things that matter, we’ve returned to examine the inane plot points in several of Rare‘s classic franchises and poke holes in their beloved framework. While these titles will stand the test of time regardless, perhaps we’ll offer a new perspective that will have you seeing the game in a new light, or perhaps you’ll enjoy the experience that much more for knowing your favorite franchises hardly made a lick of sense. Ruining Rare‘s lineage now and always, these are Top 5 Massive Plot Holes That Nobody Seems To Notice.
#5. THE MISSILE CARRIER WOULD HAVE RUN OUT OF FUEL – BLAST CORPS (N64)
Mass panic ensues when an unstoppable nuclear missile carrier goes rouge en route to a disposal facility in Blast Corps, where its volatile payload puts millions in jeopardy unless a path can be cleared. Or, you know, it runs out of fuel. The Missile Carrier isn’t taking a shortcut by any means – the world map clearly shows that it’s in the midst of a cross country trek around the globe, and unless the nuclear missiles are fueling it with radioactive fallout, it’s going to stop in its tracks eventually. We’re not trying to dismiss the noble efforts of the Blast Corps crew destroying millions of homes, warehouses and offices leaving an untold amount homeless and jobless, but using all of their high tech gadgetry to sever the fuel line might have been a good place to start.
#4. KILLER INFECTIONS WITH ANCIENT AFFLICTIONS – KILLER INSTINCT 2 (ARCADE)
After setting off a time warp during the conclusion of the first Killer Instinct title, the combatants are unwillingly trapped 2000 years in the past. New friendships are forged, old rivalries are reawakened, and everyone contracts dysentery. That’s the least of their worries as far as time travel is concerned – after all, the ancient airborne bacteria that would be native some two-thousand years on would seem like a plague on arrival. If you’ve ever tried the native water and food in a foreign country, you’re likely familiar with this concept – but it becomes tenfold when you travel across time instead of space. Suddenly skipping two thousand years of biological evolution and exposing themselves to primitive viruses, the game should mostly consist of everyone coming ill at once with bouts of vomiting and diarrhea. It’s that KI feeling!
#3. QUARANTINE THE DARK EVIL QUEEN – BATTLETOADS IN BATTLEMANIACS (SNES)
Venturing to the Gyachung-La fortress in northern Tibet, the Battletoads brave the frigid climate to test out a revolutionary new Virtual Reality system called TRIPS. As the ‘Toads prepare to strap into the VR experience however, one of the Dark Queens‘ Psyko Pig minions virtually leaps from within the system, dragging Zitz and the CEO’s daughter back into the machine. Right, now that you know where the Dark Queen is holding out, it’s time to store the machine away from prying eyes – perhaps lock it in a safe, and then lock that safe inside a vault. While we’re sure the need to rescue the CEO’s daughter and Zitz are priority, you hardly need to traverse several imaginary levels to find the Evil Dark Queen‘s Lair. She’s right there, inside the console, like a bird in a cage. Not the best choice for an escape vehicle…
#2. WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS WIZPIG? – DIDDY KONG RACING (N64)
When Wizpig invades Timber the Tiger cubs home, he calls out to his best friends for help to reclaim Timber Island. Without missing a beat, Banjo, Tiptup and co. arrive on the scene, raring to race and ultimately face off against Wizpig – which they prepare for by blasting each other with missiles, leaving behind explosive mines and shocking each other with electrified forcefields. Neglecting the fact that they all share a common enemy, racing each other does nothing but create unnecessary competition that delays Wizpigs comeuppance. Granted, a game featuring Pipsy doing nothing but lapping around Greenwood Village while her anthropomorphic friends cheered for her on from the sidelines would make for an utterly terrible adventure, it would at least make sense in the grand scheme of things.
#1. CREATING A BEARADOX – BANJO-KAZOOIE: GRUNTY’S REVENGE (GAME BOY ADVANCE)
Seen as the midquel between the first two Banjo titles, Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty’s Revenge features the hag’s plot to travel back in time and prevent the Bear and Bird from ever meeting in the first place. For the sake of argument, let’s pretend that Gruntilda‘s cunning plan of revenge isn’t about to go pear shaped, and instead she actually manages to change the course of history itself. Without Banjo and Kazooie present to knock her from her tower, Gruntilda wouldn’t have gotten trapped under the witch squishing granite at the end of the first adventure – which ultimately means that she wouldn’t have gone back in time to change history at all. Welcome to the ursine aviary equivalent of a Time Travel Paradox; your eyes will recenter eventually, but your knowledge of this massive plot hole will never heal…
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