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Top 5 Infuriating Rare Escort Missions

It should come as no surprise that gamers on a whole can be a selfish breed. It's not our fault, we've been sculpted by hoarding habits in multiplayer and our obsessive compulsive kleptomania everywhere else. The last thing you should probably do is have us look after another NPC with a life expectancy that challenges that of a hospice. In Rare's eyes our agile reflexes and button mashing is best suited for babysitting however, and it's not uncommon for the lads and ladettes at Twycross to task us with leading a wandering masochist through the battlefield as their health drains faster than our patience. They may be solid gold games, and engrossed us for hours, but reflection on these trials can send chills up our spine, our memories forever tainted. These are the Top 5 Exhausting Rare Escort Missions.
#5. ENDORSING PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSINATION - PERFECT DARK (N64/XBLA)
When an insidious dataDyne plot emerges to clone the President of the United States, Joanna Dark must use all of her cunning and gradually thinning patience to protect the genuine commander in chief at all costs. While the initial rendezvous aboard Airforce One was hardly taxing on the secret agent - save for a bumpy landing - Crash Site-Confrontation was likely enough to have her withdrawing her vote, as she was tasked with tracking down the misplaced President and safely leading him away from all manner of autonomous killing drones, courtesy of dataDyne. Unfortunately, the Prez was prone to darting off into the expansive wilderness at a moments notice, sometimes directly into enemy fire which failed the lengthy mission instantly. At least following orders and killing the clone provided a bit of reprieve...
#4. TNT IMPS MAKE US EXPLODE! - CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY/LIVE & RELOADED (N64/XBOX)
While we've previously discussed the TNT Imps and their unfortunate uses in the Top 5 Unluckiest Characters, guiding them through the treacherous warpath was our own personal Friday the 13th. If the slightest niggle could introduce itself, it would do it in pairs, making the ill-fated walk less of an obstacle course and more of an endurance test. To make things even more difficult, Conker was always leading from behind, edging the bombastic trooper forward to unseen dangers both above and below. With all of the grace and eloquence of moving a rather awkward couch through a narrow hallway, and nearly as much fun, Conker could eventually guide the trooper to end of the path. With that trial in tedium over with, he would have to repeat his actions again with a second TNT Imp in the opposite direction. Twice is nice!
#3. THERE'S A REASON TRICKY WAS ABANDONED - STARFOX ADVENTURES (GAMECUBE)
Waiting hand and foot on the Earthwalkers spoiled Prince, Tricky the Triceratops makes you equal parts butler and babysitter, as Fox is tasked with watching over the distracted dinosaur, feeding him GrubTug Fungus when he gets hungry, and likely tucking him into bed when the entire ordeal is finished as well. Thankfully, Tricky obeys a set of commands that Fox can utilize at any time, which comes in handy when the prince beelines towards a cluster of enemies. Unfortunately, this loyalty is hinged entirely on his stomach; if you aren't constantly kneeling over and feeding Tricky his favorite fungus, he'll ignore Fox entirely. Eventually, Tricky will be escorting Fox around, as the savior of Sauria desperately tries to catch up and feed him sentient Grubtug Fungus - which also happens to run around and avoid him.
#2. PROTECTING BULLET-MAGNET NATALYA FROM THE INEVITABLE - GOLDENEYE: 007 (N64)
"Protect Natalya": two words given from the mission dossier that strikes fear into GoldenEye gamers everywhere, and for good reason - escorting Natalya Simonova through the Bunker, Archives, Jungle and Control were some of the most infuriating moments we can recall from GoldenEye 007. Harboring some sort of death wish, the Second-Level programmer would disregard her own welfare to take brisk strides into enemy fire or align the back of her head with Bond's gun barrel at any opportunity. In later missions, Natalya would wield her own firearms to take on Janus's henchmen, though turning the weapon up to her own face before firing might have made things a little more painless. Above all else, "Protect Natalya" would have been more appropriate for the suicidal Soviet if it were "Protect Natalya from herself".
#1. EVERY SINGLE MISSION CONCERNING THE MISSILE CARRIER - BLAST CORPS (N64)
Blast Corps. is little more than one massive timed escort mission, because if two things deserve to be paired, it would definitely be guiding something fragile along its course as quickly as possible. Nearly every level of Blast Corps. demands that the Missile Carrier plows through each location without interference, as it has to get to the next level where you'll rinse and repeat this task until you explode instead. Don't get us wrong, Blast Corps. is still incredibly fun, and we still relish the thought of demolishing through buildings as Sideswipe and Thunderfist, but hearing the "Collision Imminent" klaxon puts us through the five stages of grief via K├╝bler-Ross every time. It only takes a single mistake - statistically on the last building you needed to destroy - to have everything you've worked on a complete waste. Time to get moving!

Categories: Blast Corps, Conker's Bad Fur Day, Conker: Live & Reloaded, GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Perfect Dark (XBLA), Starfox Adventures, Top 5 Lists

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