Adventures in Spelunking

by Camjo-Z on Sep 1st, 2013

On August 27th, 2013
A game was released on PSN and Steam
I’d never heard of it but bought anyway
(I’m a sucker for PS+ discounts these days.)

They call it “Spelunky” and the name is quite apt
You plunder some caves while avoiding the traps.
As a roguelike platformer its intention is clear
It’s fast and frenetic, but death is always near.

You’ll kill yourself more than you’d care to admit
But despite this aspect the game’s too good to quit!
There’s loot and there’s secrets – you name it, it’s here!
I might even call it my Game of the Year!

I thought to myself “Now this game is quite fun,”
“But I’d like to try its inspiration.”
I logged on PSN and shouted with glee!
There it was – for ten dollars – Spelunker HD!

I quickly pressed download despite some misgivings
Since it’s just an old game with fancy new trimmings.
And reviews were not glowing (this gave me some pause)
But what game doesn’t have its fair share of flaws?

It felt like a decade, with my internet
Being slow as molasses – I started to fret!
But no worries! Spelunker was finally here!
I dove right into it without caution or fear!

And this was my downfall as you soon will see
For there is a problem with Spelunker HD.
It’s not like Spelunky, outside of the name
No, this is one of those dumb “kusoge” games!

For those of you who haven’t heard the term before,
“Kusoge” means “shit game” and couldn’t fit more.
Almost everything makes your hero kick the bucket
That’s supposed to be fun? The devs can go suck it.

In Spelunky, dying is always your fault.
You took a wrong turn or you robbed the wrong vault.
But Spelunker? The physics are always to blame!
Even falling two inches means the end of your game!

But it still manages to have some cool points
If you can accept the Spelunker’s glass joints.
While cheap deaths are plenty and checkpoints are few
It’s ten times more fun with a buddy or two!

Yes, this game has co-op, and it’s quite a laugh
Watching some other player die to follies and gaffes
If you’ve got some friends then you’ll have quite a time
But good luck finding anyone else while online.

If you’re hungry for more there’s even DLC!
However what I tried was plenty for me.
I quickly pressed Triangle and then Delete,
And my journey with Spelunker was now complete.

So if you are thinking of getting a game
Where you stumble through mine shafts that all look the same
Spelunky’s a great choice and I recommend it!
But Spelunker HD? I just can’t defend it.

Categories: Reviews